"You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike." —ZORK I
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Youíve read about all the fun Iíve had with Humbaba. Now you want a Sumerian monster of your own. Iíll tell it to you straight. Taking care of a Sumerian monster is no small task. But that doesnít mean you should give up on your dreams. In fact, in order to help, Iíve come up with some of my best tips for caring for your Sumerian monster.


Letís start with the big one. Consider the mess that puppies can make. Now multiply that times one hundred. A Sumerian monster will need to be taught proper potty training. A big part of this is having a designated spot for your Sumerian monster to use the potty. I suggest the front yard of those neighbors whoíve been complaining about you walking across their grass or throwing the ball in their yard. That would be the perfect spot to train your Sumerian monster to use the potty. One look through the window at your Sumerian monster, and Iím pretty sure your neighbors will stay inside. Also, they should thank you. Monster dung makes great fertilizer.


Sure, every Sumerian monster loves donuts and cookies, but a diet of baked sweets wonít help him (or her) grow into the strong, healthy monster you want him to be. What every Sumerian monster needs is a proper diet. Start with the basics. Humbaba loves bacon, and Iím sure your Sumerian monster will, too. Protein is the most important part of any monsterís diet. But take care to make sure your Sumerian monster does not eat your neighbors. That may make them unhappy. I suggest an alternate protein source. Make friends with your local butcher. Find out what animals in your area of pesky and out of control (feral hogs? coyotes?). Your Sumerian monster can become a problem solver and find dinner all at the same time!


As far as high energy pets go, a Sumerian monster tops the list. If your Sumerian monsters isnít eating or sleeping, then he will want to play! Be prepared for this play time. Save up your energy. Make sure there is a park nearby with lots of space for running. And make sure you have running shoes. Also youíll need toys. Normal puppy toys will not do. Your Sumerian monster will only eat these. When you are thinking toys, think big and tough. Fetching a stick? Youíll need a tree branch. Frisbee? A metal trash can lid will do. Squeaky toy? Keep your neighbors away from your Sumerian monster and use a giant clown doll instead. Making sure your monster has proper play toys will keep him from chasing cars instead.


Don't bother.


After a busy day playing, your Sumerian monster is going to want to sleep. Unless you want him crushing you in your bed, heíll need a bed of his own. Doggie crates arenít made in sizes that will fit your Sumerian monster. I wouldnít suggest crating your monster anyway. This wonít make him happy and he may pee on you for revenge. Instead, a second mattress, on the floor near your bed, works best. I suggest a mattress protector since your Sumerian monster will drool a ton in his sleep.


Your Sumerian monster loves to look his best, almost as much as he loves to roll in the mud. This is a problem because all that dirt could clog your pipes, which wonít make your parents happy at all. The best way to bathe your monster is with the garden hose. Or in your neighborís swimming pool (late at night is best, once your neighbor is asleep). Use plenty of soap, but watch for chemicals. They will only dry out your monsterís skin. Also, hereís a great tip for making your monsterís hair look its shiniest: Coconut oil. It works like magic.


My only advice? Never run out of them.

Good luck with your Sumerian monster! I hope youíll be the best of friends.

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